Oh Lord. How long have I been running around looking for a Father in the sons of men?
How long have I been seeking their acceptance, their comforts and gaze?
It was in 2006 that my father died. We were left without a father and without a husband. I think I secretly despised our state. i felt like we were a bunch of dis-organised women, chaotic, immature and of a low estate. Please forgive me Lord for dispising my own family.
Ian.
I remember Ian clearly and that feeling of elation when I he told me that he liked me for such a long time. It wasn't normal, I couldn't drive. I was as if I'd won the lottery or something but it felt like the best news I've ever heard. I was so overwhealmed. We both recall this feeling of being in a river that was bigger than us.
Ian was very different. I remember liking his burliness and his chilled out approach - everything was cool. Nothing was a stress. I recall calling him a glass of cool water.
I slept with Ian on the first night in Glasgow. I slept with him in his and his girlfreinds bed. He made his way inside me and I know now that I wasn't ready but I went with it. It was the best sex I've had yet.
I slept with a guy on the first night - Never done that before
I slept with someone elses boyfriend - Never done that before
I slept with someone who I was not in a relationship with unprotected - Never done that before
I slept with someone within earshot of my friends - Never done that before
I felt I loved him so strongly that I even fell out with my best friend.
I remember crying for ages on his chest about him doing something horrid. I cried and at the end he said he just doesn't understand me.
He wasn't my dad.
Other guy.
I didn't love this guy but felt I wanted to be a source of happiness and escape from his difficult life.
He was burly, rough round the edges, street conscious with an aspiration for the finer things in life. Had a very very difficult past - failed business, failed marriage, family turmoil. So bad that he met me one time in his work trousers.
He was such a shady character as he never invited me back to his, told me he was renting out a room and that he didn't want the family to know his business.
I feel a pang of shame as I felt so desperate to be with him.
I slept with him after about 3weeks -1 month of talking.
I booked a £250 a night hotel room in the hotel, drank champagne and a cocktail. Then headed up to the room. I kissed him first. I was on from there. Even though I didn't feel that turned on I slept with him. Threw my inhbitions to the wind and went in.
The next morning he was aroused and then we began having un-protected sex - A man who I don't hardly know anything about, who hasn't even invited me to his house.
He was hard to get hold of. I slept with him at my sisters house and even at my friends house while she was sleeping. I felt the despising. I felt myself curling around him like a little girl. My friend saw me curling like a little girl and told me so.
He soon got too direct and too distant and he was gone.
He wasn't my dad.
How long have I been seeking their acceptance, their comforts and gaze?
It was in 2006 that my father died. We were left without a father and without a husband. I think I secretly despised our state. i felt like we were a bunch of dis-organised women, chaotic, immature and of a low estate. Please forgive me Lord for dispising my own family.
Ian.
I remember Ian clearly and that feeling of elation when I he told me that he liked me for such a long time. It wasn't normal, I couldn't drive. I was as if I'd won the lottery or something but it felt like the best news I've ever heard. I was so overwhealmed. We both recall this feeling of being in a river that was bigger than us.
Ian was very different. I remember liking his burliness and his chilled out approach - everything was cool. Nothing was a stress. I recall calling him a glass of cool water.
I slept with Ian on the first night in Glasgow. I slept with him in his and his girlfreinds bed. He made his way inside me and I know now that I wasn't ready but I went with it. It was the best sex I've had yet.
I slept with a guy on the first night - Never done that before
I slept with someone elses boyfriend - Never done that before
I slept with someone who I was not in a relationship with unprotected - Never done that before
I slept with someone within earshot of my friends - Never done that before
I felt I loved him so strongly that I even fell out with my best friend.
I remember crying for ages on his chest about him doing something horrid. I cried and at the end he said he just doesn't understand me.
He wasn't my dad.
Other guy.
I didn't love this guy but felt I wanted to be a source of happiness and escape from his difficult life.
He was burly, rough round the edges, street conscious with an aspiration for the finer things in life. Had a very very difficult past - failed business, failed marriage, family turmoil. So bad that he met me one time in his work trousers.
He was such a shady character as he never invited me back to his, told me he was renting out a room and that he didn't want the family to know his business.
I feel a pang of shame as I felt so desperate to be with him.
I slept with him after about 3weeks -1 month of talking.
I booked a £250 a night hotel room in the hotel, drank champagne and a cocktail. Then headed up to the room. I kissed him first. I was on from there. Even though I didn't feel that turned on I slept with him. Threw my inhbitions to the wind and went in.
The next morning he was aroused and then we began having un-protected sex - A man who I don't hardly know anything about, who hasn't even invited me to his house.
He was hard to get hold of. I slept with him at my sisters house and even at my friends house while she was sleeping. I felt the despising. I felt myself curling around him like a little girl. My friend saw me curling like a little girl and told me so.
He soon got too direct and too distant and he was gone.
He wasn't my dad.
